Updated: May 11, 2019
Time flew. I was still in the middle of nowhere in my life which was filled mainly with boredom in the false sense of busyness and success… and plus a huge disappointment added on top of that since I was desperately looking for an ideal person with expectation that a relationship would make me happier and eliminate the loneliness and meaningless in life.
There were happy times I supposed, but they didn’t last. The emotions and mood were up and down, high and low just as the clouds in a windy day, they come and go so fast… Probably I was not the only person in her 20s-30s who played hard and enjoyed being a drama queen (perhaps without even realising). All the relationships didn’t last due to similar reasons: either I thought the boyfriends were selfish, didn’t care enough for me and didn’t love me enough, so I quit… Or if someone left me, I thought that they loved me a lot but because of the circumstances and obstacles, we could not be together for longer, even though they wanted to.
Now looking back, it’s hard to say if on my side I really did understand, love, and truly care for the other person in the relationships that I had, or not. To be most honest with myself, I must say that in those relationships, whatever I thought that I was acting out of love and care towards the other person, were all in fact to catch more attention, more love, more care and more time… for myself, and also to manipulate and make that person become more attached or dependant on my care/ my company/ my love for them! On the other hand, the person(s) who left me, my pride just couldn’t accept that someone didn’t love me (anymore if they ever did before), so I tried to convince myself how much they loved me but all due to outside factors we had to break up.
I became a love-disbeliever as it seemed to me that every single person I ever met always thought of and put themselves first. And that meant regardless how much efforts, time, care and love I thought I had paid in to the relationships, I would never ever won the first position or priority in their hearts and minds, which I supposed was a prerequisite in a relationship for me at the time. I was like a needy child trying hard to earn attention and love from busy parents, and when it doesn’t get what it wanted, it becomes sulky and disgruntled.
I gradually surrendered in the hunt for an ideal partner with a negative attitude: “What’s the point of having such relationships that would eventually end up with disappointment anyway?!”.
I did believe that the ultimate goals in life were: getting a good job, then being successful, then having a boyfriend… but all of those goals when achieved so far failed to make me happy (or I failed to be happy). I probably needed to reevaluate the goals. I tried to look around me again to see what made other people happy. Marriage? Children? Retirement? But I heard so much from people who were married, who had children, who had been retired… complained about one thing or an other that they were not happy with or even deeply dissatisfied about in their lives… So that would mean they were not much (or at all) happier than I was… So what then could make myself and these people feel happy and at peace?
I had not had the answer just yet but I gradually vaguely realised that the promising happiness that came from different sources such as: good jobs, money, success, promotion, power, fame, status and relationships… was transient in nature. Sooner or later, after few days, weeks, months, or years, when things became just routines, when excitement withered away, I always ended up coming back to the same place of disappointment, dissatisfaction, frustration and boredom, and again the same questions came back in my head: What is it all about? Why am I here? For what? Who am I? Where am I going?…