L3. What is loneliness? Why do we feel lonely?

Have you ever felt lonely when you were right in the midst of a crowd, surrounded by people; or when you are next to the people whom you are close to?!


I want to share with you what I have learnt about Loneliness, but firstly about the typical situations in which I felt most lonely in my life, and let’s see if you find any of them sounds alike to yours!.


I felt lonely -

- when my close friend(s) misunderstood me and left me. This happened so many times through out my teenage and early adulthood, as I used to value friends even more than family members, I was devastated at the times… until I accept that friendship is as impermanent as anything else in life, and I became less forceful and attached to friends, the pain was cured and also friendship become more light-hearted.

- when I had to live far apart from my parents for the first time when I was 17 whilst going through the transition with so much confusion about friendship and love; then later on living on my own in a far-away country where it’s not possible to just run straight back to my parents’ arms when things go wrong.

- when the relationships with the boyfriends or later on my husband became cold after an argument or disagreement, I felt as if we were strangers or in different worlds despite the fact that we were in the same room or even in the same bed, but totally disconnected.

- when I din’t get enough attention, reply, care, and time together as I expected from the boyfriends or the husband, or even from a closed friend when I needed him/her. It appeared to me as if I wasn’t important and lovable.

- when I suddenly became aware of my own thoughts whilst being in the midst of a crowd, I felt alienated and alone in my thoughts and feelings, and couldn’t be a part of the group, I felt as if I was the only one person having that awareness.

- when I came back from a fun meet-up or a fabulous event, as the noise, laughters, talks, and activities all ceased, I had to face my own emptiness and confusion about what was genuine, what was an act of a role-player.

- when I achieved some material success, but had no time to chit-chat or having fun with my families and friends. My mind was so caught up with thoughts and worries about things to do/ schedules/ clients/ problem-solving/ strategies/ costs and profits/ etc, I felt lost in my own world with all those matter.

- probably the most common of all, I often felt lonely when I was just being on my own whilst having nothing to do and no one to talk to. During these occasions - as many others would do I guess - I tried to find something to entertain: music, movies, reading, scrolling facebook, looking for hot news about some favourite singers/actors, or finding somebody such as my sister to gossip about anything unnecessarily, etc, sometimes healthier, doing some yoga, walking, jogging, cleaning, cooking, etc… whatever it is, anything, just to hide away from facing the stinging Loneliness.

These activities or stimulus might help to release or ease the feeling, but do not help to Cure it.


Most of us seem to think that Loneliness only happens when we are alone and have no body around to talk to or to do something with. But in truth: when you have nothing and no one around to be distracted and entertained, the Loneliness itself - which already exists in you - comes to the surface, in other words - your mind starts to notice the existing Loneliness more clearly when it has nothing else to be preoccupied.

Loneliness does not only arise when you’re alone - The proof for that is that you might also feel very lonely when you’re with other people - even with your family members, friends, or even the other half! - it has already been created by Your own Thoughts, Belief, and Fear.

How come?


- You feel lonely as you Think that You Are Apart or Separated from others, especially the loved ones by geographic distance or emotional and psychological distance. But if you realise that distance cannot cut off Love, unless you choose to disconnect with loved ones, and focus on other things rather than keeping the Connection and Love.


- You feel lonely when you don’t get enough attention (as you wish) from the loved ones, this feeling is rooted from your Fear of being unloved and unworthy - the Fear of being abandoned and dismissed. You Want constant attention and reassurance from others to feel loved and worthy! But the issue is that other people (no matter how much they love you) often Do Not know and agree on your own standards, degrees and criteria that you think should be met to be convinced. When the expectation is not met, satisfaction cannot flow, so you feel dissatisfied, disappointed by and disconnected from the people who are expected to prove your self-worth to you.


- You feel lonely being on your own, having no stimulus rather than your own confused (and often negative) Thoughts. You Believe that you Need others’ company to fill the Empty Time. In other words, You Believe that without other’s company You Are Incomplete on your own and that You Need other People to Bring You Happiness and help to Fill your Empty Inside. Or to be frank: You Believe that Making You Happy is the Responsibility of others (the loved ones in particular).


Loneliness is no more than facing your own fear of not being able to be fulfilled and happy on your own.


Feeling Lonely more than often is a big cause of tension or heavy feelings in relationships, as each of us (especially Female who are more sensitive with their feelings) often rush to run away from Feeling Lonely by expecting the loved ones to replace it by their love and attention for you. It is almost impossible mission in most cases. Not to forget to mention, for Male, Feeling Lonely is not far from feeling defeated and failed to be a man, as through out history of humankind civilisations, Male seemed to come to Believe that Feelings and Emotions are aspects of feminine characters mainly. No wonder why Male are often even more rush to hide their loneliness and cover it up by finding stimulus and substitutes to reassure themselves of their worthiness and masculine nature.


When you understand how unresolved feelings could result in issues in life, it is the time for you to stop hiding and running away from your hidden feelings, and start working on treating them and cure them - cure your relationships!!

You created your Loneliness by yourself, by your own Thoughts, Belief and Fear. And you can also eliminate it by yourself, by Removing the causes that created Loneliness as discussed above!

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